so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
