You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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