I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
