She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
