Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
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If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
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these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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