Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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