I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
