First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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