she was so not down for the gang bang
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
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Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
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We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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