I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
