is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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