haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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