weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
