I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
