I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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