Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
