you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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