my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
