she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
