If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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