well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
