i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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