Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He shit in the fireplace
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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