Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
God gave him joint rollers for hands
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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