STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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