This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
