I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
