I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
