Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
