she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
