Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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