It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
