then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
