if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
