one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
