fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
