Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
