Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
