There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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