I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
