Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
