Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
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Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
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Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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