haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
