she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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