i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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