tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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