ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
