I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
