Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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