Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
