Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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