wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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