I'm really into asian looking animals
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
