If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
