I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
