Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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