Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
