On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
